The Scherzolean

Paul McCartney's reaction and response to Ringo's shun of loyal fans

2008-10-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

Paul McCartney's reaction and response to Ringo's shun of loyal fans

by Sam O. Witcraft

Why no one has reported Paul McCartney's blatant attempt to apologize for Ringo Starr's recent shunning of fans is beyond me. . .It's almost amazing that we are the only ones who wanted to report it. Ringo Starr, if you did not know, has issued a statement on his website to dissuade further fan mail or autograph requests, as he simply doesn't have the time for them anymore. Paul McCartney was called for comment. He issued a statement on his own website like Ringo, only his was to urge more fan mail, promising that he'd answer each piece personally in a distinctly personal manner which is not in any way bearing a resemblance to a generic response. McCartney immediately pledged to spend all of his next waking month-or year- signing autographs to make up for the former Beatle autograph demand that Ringo has unfortunately left behind.

When reached for questioning, Paul said simply ''Everyone knows that being the nicest, most humble and polite Beatle comes with a responsibility. I have borne this burden gratefully...I'm really just happy to be here. We had a nice little band and we're all individually decent little music players who play our little chords and sing our quaint melodies and it's just nice that everyone still cares enough to ask us for our time and trouble-I mean-not that it's any trouble, of course. That's just an expression. Anyway, it'd be almost silly of me not to devote my life to pleasing the fans. After all, they bought my records as a favor to me and the least I can do is be attentive to their needs as well, yeah?''

Paul then added ''Not that I blame Ringo. His burden is much greater than mine from the fans as he's obviously got far more fan activity than I do. My burden is a poor choice of words. I mean honor.''

Author says Americans have better sex than Europeans, gives 8 reasons why

2008-03-07T05:09:00.000-08:00

by: Thane Firstman

Inspired by such minds as Ruth Westheimer, Alfred Charles Kinsey and Saint Augustine, Doctor Peter Schwanzkopf is picking up controversy yet again with his third book based on the idea that Americans have more fulfilling sex than Europeans. Peter Schwanzkopf, Ph.D. is BrawnTech's head researcher and has lived in 4 U.S. states, including Texas and North Carolina as well as 3 European countries- Germany, France and Albania. He has called his new book a dream project for him. ''It has always been an area of interest of mine, because it crosses the lines between medical, cultural and psychosomatic. I'm really thrilled about it although I've received hate mail.'' Doctor Schwanzkopf laughs with a surprisingly small touch of bitterness. After extensive research with interviews, polls, literature, cinema and medical reports he illustrates why he's grown to believe that Europeans on average just aren't having the kind of physical and mental sexual gratification of Americans. He's been violently disagreed with and attacked by European colleagues and the European layperson alike although he says his polls and interviews in Europe suggest that they ''doth protest too much.''

What is the particular reason for his assertion? ''Well, there are several reasons that I stumbled on to. Some are rather surprising, others quite obvious. I have a brief list here that I'd like to go through with you, but you really need to read the book.'' Of course Schwanzkopf's book has outraged what he calls ''Europeans in denial'' and delighted Americans from his home state of Texas. Despite the intellectual scorn of peers, the book has been selling like hot cakes. His book is entitled The American Hare, The European Tortoise and is on The Santa Leola Times bestseller list for non-fiction after only 15 days since its release. Schwanzkopf is also the author of The Merlotsexual and Chocolate, Handcuffs and Mud for the middle-aged, both social studies of human sexual behavior. Schwanzkopf's scientific credentials include having dropped out of studies to become a psychologist to switch to the field of anthropological scintilletric behaviorism. He takes us through 8 of the more than 469 reasons he draws his controversial conclusion from, as follows:

1. His studies reflect that Americans at some point, likely due to a lessened exposure to sunlight, have become more than 14 times more likely to develop the Penile Bump gene mutation in our males. If you don't have it personally or haven't noticed it, it's a mild bumpy multi-ribbed oval on the penile shaft which is often palpated by the female G-Spot (Grafenberg Spot), causing increased sexual pleasure. This gene, also called the PB-z11 Gene will be present in a whopping 60+ percent of American males, the highest recorded in any country since it's discovery in 1951 by Dr. Edwin Rickles of Canada. There is an entire chapter on this in Schwanzkopf's book because he finds it so relevant to his theory.

2. Americans simply smell better than citizens from other countries. Mostly a scornful position on male citizens, this is another remark from Schwanzkopf's book that has Euros steaming mad. He points to the sales of products like Axe and Old Spice. Also mentioned, that we have become less and less smoker-friendly than other countries, more likely to bathe and follow proper dental protocols and use far more breath fresheners like gum, mints, mouthwashes and mint-flavored toothpastes. After interviewing over 300 French women, he found that the smell of their mate is usually unpleasant to them. After interviewing upwards of 200 Italian men and 150 Italian women, he has noted that when one party has more garlic over dinner than the other party, smell becomes a huge factor in the pleasure level of their lovemaking. In Germany and Poland among others, the combination of their traditional beers and sausages induces a sexually repugnant odor, according to Schwanzkopf's interviews with German and Polish citizens, mostly women, this was a major issue. This is part of an extensive list of what he calls anti-sex scent agents. He is adamant that Americans not only have far less of these agents in our lives but far more scents that are ''specifically sexually agreeable.''

3. Lesser developed European countries consistently bring the sexual enjoyment quality of the whole of Europe DOWN as we see in his book. Although there are 30 ways Schwanzkopf lists for this, including the fact that poverty and debt cause depression and depression inhibits libido, we have a rarely focused on medical inconvenience for them at play. Apparently, many countries like Lithuania have a common parasite that is particularly vicious in their countries called a gonadic tadpole worm (GTW) or Gonadia Kinderphibianavermen which when uncontrolled, shrinks gonads and decreases libido, sexual stamina and even overall nerve sensation of genital areas. Why isn't this a problem in America? Guess what? The electromagnetic chaos or manmade electromagnetic frequencies coming off of our modern gadgets like laptop computers, cell phones and high definition TV sets stops the common GTWs from growing out of control or doing excessive damage to our sexual systems. They are very sensitive to these frequencies and therefore not kept in check by lesser developed countries with their lesser number of technological items. Early Americans, it is theorized had a similar problem until as late as 1992 when it began a rapid decline. For Americans, it is now almost unheard of in medical cases as a threat. Also, since we have a cleaner, more properly disinfected water supply in America and the worms come from water polluted by sewage, we're far ahead of most European countries, notes Dr. Schwanzkopf.

4. Americans eat tons of artificial food dye, which is in far less usage in European food items. Modern food dyes react to a chemical in the brain called the entyceaus enzyme which potentiates as much as ten fold with your average dye consumption. This isn't really healthy but it does increase sexual appetite and enjoyment. Unfortunately it can trigger other problems such as sexual addiction, so Schwanzkopf doesn't endorse its use for that purpose or any besides coloring.

5-6. ''For all intents and purposes, American pop music brings about the type of brain activity from listening that most closely mimics sexual brain stimulation, when compared to any other non-sexual activity. American hip hop beats and bass lines are more likely heard in America than other countries and it does light up the brain in the right area. Similarly, certain scents like that of pumpkin pie and green apples can achieve sexually similar activity. Who consumes (and therefore smells) the most of both food items? Americans indeed.'' Lectures Dr. Schwanzkopf. So, reasons five and six are smells and sounds. Polka, it is noted, causes the least sexually similar brain activity of any music. Who listens to more polka between American states and the European countries? With Polka fans like Germany, it's no contest. Schwanzkopf says that these sounds can actually trigger something akin to a sexual depressant!

7. Craniosacral biodynamic reflex or Spanking Syndrome. Americans are far more likely to spank than the media lets on. The USA spawns more people calling themselves spanking fetishists than any other culture. In chapter 11 of Schwanzkopf's book, sounds like the hip hop mention above are addressed thoroughly. This comes into play with Spanking Syndrome as the sheer sound of a spank can trigger a neurochemical sexual response when it occurs. Ironically, during sex, when certain body parts can slap or smack against other certain body parts, a clapping or spanking noise can be heard again and again and again. This actually adds to the sexual experience, even when an actual conventional spanking isn't taking place. This is due to the original conditioning brought on by actual, legitimate spankings. When hearing the noises, the human lymph nodes stop carrying sex hormones like apeyenone out of the system and start depositing them past the blood brain barrier as if the brain were the ''dumping ground'' and causing an excess of the substance which brings more gratification.

8. Number eight is another dietary difference and from his chapter on dietary differences, page 552. It reads ''In America, corn production is at an all time high and consumption nearly matches it. Inside the preferred type of corn, the dark yellow, there are 300 milligrams per serving of an antioxidant called blondinaphenolaxine. This yellow pigment used in many hair dyes, lotions and cheese coloring is a miracle sexual ingredient that Americans have in such abundance of which Europeans have almost none. Researchers call it B-phen for short and note the irony of corn's naturally phallic form when on the cob. This antioxidant increases so much blood flow to the male penis that it can cause the size of an erection to be increased in both length and girth and size DOES matter. Also, it directs extra blood flow to the female clitoris, nipple, weenis and ears, making an erogenous wonderland with every helping of the good old American side dish. If you think corn is just a part of a bland yuppie American diet, think again.''

There you have it, find this and other extremely provocative details in Dr. Schwanzkopf's book for only $25.95 by making a special discount order for our readers here: Discount code 33-411 Scherzo-Rabbit-Tortoise

Doctor Schwanzkopf would like to conclude that although he stands by his premise, he should add the caveat that this is only regarding the AVERAGE European and residents of Amsterdam or certain parts of Germany where specific sex cults exist are likely to be on par or better with American citizens. Also that it is only your AVERAGE American citizen he refers to and does not accurately reflect findings in Puerto Rico, Washington, D.C. or some mountainous regions.

It's NOT gay pride

2007-12-22T00:51:00.000-08:00

It's NOT gay pride

by Guy Punderdun

''EVERYONE OF US CAN SEE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T.''

For those unfamiliar with the FOX medical drama HOUSE, you may need a set-up to this piece of news to appreciate it. HOUSE stars Hugh Laurie as the malcontent medical superhero Gregory House. The man has only one true friend who will put up with his socially deficient personality. This friend is oncologist James Wilson, played by Robert Sean Leonard. With my TIVO set to record every show, I'll say that these actors are terrific and the characters are beautifully written. As is often the case, when friends are too close on television for long enough, homosexuality is hinted at by some. Ask Oprah about how the public mind eventually works its way over to these hints given enough exposure. Heck, ask Bert and Ernie! As a matter of fact, House's character even once alluded to a gay relationship with his friend sarcastically. That's SARCASTICALLY in case some people weren't looking.

Since Hugh Laurie's character spends a goodly chunk of his time at work ogling his female boss's behind and looking down her notoriously low cut blouses, I find it a little silly that in the small town of Slattery, Ohio the gay community is protesting. What are they protesting about exactly? I'll get to that. First I have to point out how small the potatoes are here, because WOW.

How many gay individuals can there be in Slattery, Ohio-a small township? I have no idea really but out of an estimated 811 residents, 12 are out and protesting House. Why? Because of a rumor no less! Not one person who works for the show has even commented on it and yet there's a small town uprising taking place many miles from where the show is filmed. I doubt it's become a blip on their radar considering the writers strike.

What was this rumor that would cause eleven gay men and one gay woman to ''riot'' in the middle of a small Midwestern town? God only knows who started it but, the Slattery residents claim that the writers of the show wanted to make the House and Wilson characters ''realize'' their ''romantic love'' for each other and FOX shut them down because the [straight] female fans wouldn't have Laurie and Leonard be tainted as their sex symbols. A man named Yes Pompeo- the loudest of the angered gay men- talked to me over the phone about this while local news there ignored the protest and his friends tried to stop annoyed townsfolk as they walked by.

Pompeo says ''Ever since House told Wilson that he loved him, I feel the writers were trying to brace straight America for the relationship to become out in the open.'' As a fan of the show myself, I asked if he'd ever seen Hugh Laurie's character around Doctor Cuddy-played by the lovely Lisa Edelstein. Sounding as though he thought I were just being coy, Mr. Pompeo responded ''So, he acted straight, most of us have done that. Everyone of us can see it, but you can't...''

When asked where he heard this rumor, he declined to comment because it ''wasn't the issue''.
Pompeo called the protest a ''gay pride protest'', mentioned that the actors would be fine with the idea of a gay relationship and that it would be a landmark for two big characters in television thought to be straight for several successful seasons were ''outed''.

Do you think there even is an issue and want to protest? You may wonder, if you're going to protest in this manner, does it matter where in your small town you're located? Sure! Why else would they choose to stand outside a movie rental store to remain nameless, simply because there's a poster of Hugh Laurie in the window from his role in Stewart Little? With all respect to Mr. Pompeo, I don't know what to call this, but I hardly think it falls under the heading of ''gay pride''. I think this is just silly and the rumor could've come from anywhere, but maybe that's just me.